Exclusive Interview with Curiosity

by Sankage Steno

I feel so honored and lucky at the same time to be given the opportunity to interview Curiosity, while it’s on Mars. We did it through satellite feed. Here is the transcript of the interview:

Steno: Hello, Wall-E!

Curiosity: I’m sorry. I think you got the wrong robot.

Steno: Ay, tengene! Sorry, I thought you were the real-life persona of the one in the cartoon. Anyway, who are you?

Curiosity: ? … My nickname is Curiosity, but my real name is M2-33916-EVR-003321X-MARS12-02.

Steno: Yeah, whatever. OK, Curiosity, right? So what are you doing there on Mars? Have you lost all hope here on Earth that’s why you decided to migrate there?

Curiosity: Actually, it’s quite the opposite. People back there on your planet have so much hope that there is life outside the Earth, so they sent me here to investigate.

Steno: Oh, that’s really curious. Hey, is that why they called you ‘Curiosity?’

Curiosity: I guess so.

Steno: OK. Teka lang. If you’re saying that people here are hopeful about life existing somewhere else, do you mean that they think our planet will no longer be able to support any living thing in the near future? Why, if that’s the case, then it’s hopeless.

Curiosity: Well, now that you mentioned it, I think that’s what they’re really thinking. I cannot really say. I do not have that level of clearance to access that information.

Steno: That’s too bad. They’re just using you for their selfish prospects.

Curiosity: It’s not like what you think it is.

Steno: Tanga! Stop fooling yourself. Sending you out there all alone? That’s crazy! I, for sure, wouldn’t do it. And what will you get for doing that? Nothing. You’ll only end up like other obsolete robots … in the junk yard. But in your case, the Martian junk crater.

Curiosity: That’s so mean. I’m not alone. I’m also here to look for my predecessor, Opportunity.

Steno: Oh, good luck! You have the entire planet as your hide-and-seek playground. I’ll give you a tip: You can start looking at Concepcion Crater. I saw some of Opportunity’s shots from over there.

Curiosity: Well, thank you, I guess. But Concepcion Crater is on the other side of the planet. It’ll take me a month to go there by foot, or rather by wheels.

Steno: Kita mo na? See what I mean? I told you you’re gonna be alone there. And you’ll probably lose your battery long before you meet the other rover.

Curiosity: But I’m solar-powered.

Steno: Oh, well, just pray that the sun doesn’t go down on you.

Curiosity: Talking to you is depressing.

Steno: Oh, you have feelings, too? Emo pala ‘tong robot na ‘to.

Curiosity: I’m sorry. What did you say?

Steno: Oh, nothing. I didn’t know that you have feelings pala.

Curiosity: Technically, I don’t. But my artificial intelligence was programmed to have some of those human emotions. And I think sadness is one of the common ones.

Steno: Awww, that is fantastic. But morally questionable.

Curiosity: I really don’t like to meddle with human affairs, let alone questions of morality.

Steno: Well, sabi mo eh. You don’t have to naman. You just leave to us the debates and the misunderstandings. It’s our cup of tea. What about you? What do robots consider as their cup of tea?

Curiosity: We do not drink tea. We need neither food nor water.

Steno: Alam ko. What I’m saying is, what is it that you enjoy doing?

Curiosity: Oh, so it’s your idiom for that. Well, I never really thought of it. But I think that would be collecting rocks. Oh, and taking pictures, too.

Steno: The former is boring, but the latter one is promising. So have you sent back home some of the photos you’ve taken?

Curiosity: Yes, haven’t you seen it? It’s all over the internet.

Steno: No, not yet. I’m not interested to see a bunch of rocks anyway.

Curiosity: That hurts.

Steno: You know, for a robot, you’re really emotional.

Curiosity: That’s because you’re being a prick.

Steno: You callin’ me a prick? Well, you’re one cranky son of a solar-powered b*tch!

Curiosity: Scumbag!

Steno: Mechanical douchebag!

Curiosity: Put*@#&!… <lost signal>

—End of transmission—