Marcos joins American Idol

by Sankage Steno

Here is an exclusive transcription of what went on when former Philippines President Ferdinand Marcos auditioned for the American Idol Presidential Edition.

Simon Cowell: What are you gonna sing?

Ferdinand Marcos: I’m going to sing Lupang Hinirang.

Cowell: I’m sorry, President Marcos, but you cannot sing Filipino songs. You are in American Idol. You should at least sing an English song.

Marcos: Ganun ba? Well, then, if that’s the case, I’ll just sing the English version of Lupang Hinirang. It’s called Land of the Morning. Can I sing that?

Cowell: Go ahead, Mr. President.

Marcos: Before I sing, can I call my wife to join me in here?

Paula Abdul: Why do you need your wife, Mr. Marcos? Moral support, perhaps?

Marcos: No, Ms. Abdul. I simply cannot sing without my wife. I have to sing the song with her; otherwise, I will be pitchy and out of tune. And I won’t make it to Hollywood!

Abdul: Awww, that’s so sweet. Go ahead then, Mr. Marcos. Call your wife to come in.

Imelda Marcos enters the audition room.

Randy Jackson: My God! Look at you! You look so stunning.

Imelda: Why, thank you, Randy. Salamat! I see you have good tasting.

Cowell: Oh for God’s sake! Do not patronize her, Randy. She’s from a third world country, and yet look at her! It’s a shame she can wear those diamonds and pearls while her countrymen die of hunger.

Imelda: Oo nga! Do not patron-patron me, Randy! I’m not yet a patron saint. And beside, I put up CCP and I get free patron seats. Can you imagining that? Free patron seats!

Jackson: I’m sorry, you lost me there, Mrs. Marcos. Why don’t we just get on with the singing?

Imelda: Oh no, waiting a minute! Are you not go to ask me why I’m the next American Idol?

Abdul: Mrs. Marcos, you are not the one joining American Idol. It’s your husband.

Imelda: I know that, Abdulwahid. I know your father. He’s Abu Sayyaf! He is such a pain in the us! I’m just asking lang naman, you know. You don’t have to be condesend… condes… Anyway, just ask.

Abdul: I’m speechless.

Cowell: You’re getting in my nerves.

Jackson: All right, doug. Calm down, calm down. Let’s get this over with. All right, Mr. Marcos, why are you the next American Idol?

Marcos: I thought you forgot about me already. You know what, it always happens when I’m with my beautiful wife. People can’t help it. They’re mesmerized by my wife’s beauty and elegance. I get overshadowed by her mere presence. I have to adm…

Cowell: Answer the question, Mr. Marcos.

Marcos: I’m sorry. I always get carried away when I’m with my wi…

Cowell: Answer. The. Question.

Marcos: Ok, ok. I’m the next American Idol because, to be honest, I was a lackey of the American government. I still am, you know. I wouldn’t be able to rule my country for two decades if not for their backing and support. I really owe it all to them.

Jackson: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you accusing the White House of tolerating your dictatorship? That’s preposterous! That’s against our founding fathers’ principles. That’s against democracy. We are for democracy.

Marcos: You are so naive, Randy. You know, I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born on September 11, 1917. I know what I’m talking about. I’m quite intelligent. I passed the UPCAT and topped it. I even got a perfect score! Not only that, I was a war hero. I can show you all my medals. They’re in display inside my trophy room. So, you see, I’m not just all brains. I’m strong too. I can fight.

Cowell: We’re not interested in your biography, Mr. Dictator. You and your wife are of no significance to me, especially here in this competition.

Marcos: Hoy, Simon, sumosobra ka na! I can take all the beating from you, but don’t you dare include my beautiful, regal, elegant, oh-so-lovely wife! Makakatikim ka sa ‘kin!

Cowell: Can anybody just shoot me now?

Imelda: Oh shoot? Is there a photo shoot? I did not bring my make-up artist pa naman. And I only bring 30 pairs of shoes. I’m sorry, Simon, I can’t doing the shoot today. Can we do it some other days?

Abdul: I’m speechless.

Cowell: Just sing, you two. Let’s finish this nonsense.

Marcos: Fine, we’ll sing. But I’m not yet done with you, Simon. I wasn’t the second most corrupt leader in recent history for nothing! I either killed or tortured or kidnapped those who opposed me before! And if I can shut off the media in the Philippines, I can also do it to you and your kind!

Jackson: Hey, hey! Are you threatening a judge? Let me just remind you, Mr. Marcos, that you are not in your country. This is America, and we won’t let you lay a finger on anyone who values freedom.

Imelda: Free daw, hon. San tayo ililibre ni Randy?

Marcos: Keep quiet, love.

Imelda: You’re tell me to shut up? You’re tell? How can you!

Marcos: No, love. I don’t mean that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Imelda: Its hurts. Its hurts, you know. After all the years, you do this to me.

Marcos: I’m sorry na. After this, I’ll buy you more shoes. I’ll get money from Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas. I’ll get you another golden ring and diamond earrings. I’ll give you anything you want. I will even make you American Idol!

Imelda: Really?

Marcos: Yes, love. Yes! I will give you the whole of America! I will give you the world. I will make you the Misis of the universe! I will make you queen of heaven and earth!

Simon, Paula and Randy walk out of the room.