Ansaket sa Bangs

by Sankage Steno

I want to make eksena again because of this bagong issue that is so like mundane, and, syempre, I don’t want to be iwan in the knows sa latest happening and chika. I’m just so swerte kase I was able make kita the one and only Vice Ganda last night. And so, I couldn’t help but make tanong about the Jessica Soho Rape Case.

Conyo Girl: Hi, Vice! You’re in mainit na water now, ha? Have you made kita the latest bashing sa ‘yo on Twirrer and Facebook? It’s like totally!

Vice Ganda: Kelan ka pa sinapian ni Kris Aquino, gurl? Kalurkey ang sentence construction mo, ha. Sa’n ka ba nag-aral, bakla? But to answer your question, isang malaking check ng pink na ballpen. Sight na sight ko ang tweets at posts ng mga utaw sa social media.

CG: What was like your initial na reaksyon to the issue?

VG: First of all, good day! Thank you for your wonderful question. Initial reaction? Tumawa. Tawang-tawa ako kasi ang daming umaaway sa ‘ken. Ikaw kaya awayin ng libu-libong jutawis, di ka kaya mashuwa nang bonggels? Choserang ‘to.

CG: Weren’t you like a bit nasaktan because of the hurtful salita that they made balibag to you? That’s masakit kaya.

VG: Hinde! Sarap na sarap nga ako e. Orgasmic s’ya. Feeling ko sa bawat mashushukit na salitang tino-throw nila sa ‘ken, para akong nagka-climax. Sabi ko nga sa kanila, sige pa, sige pa. Ayan na, malapit na. Ayyy!

CG: Really? It’s so sarap talaga?

VG: Ay, bruhang itey. Sa’ng journalism school ka ba nag-aral at ganyan ka umisip ng tanong-chi? Hulaan ko next question mo, gurl: What is your advice to our dear readers?

CG: Oh my! Are you like a manghuhula? How did you make alam my tanong? I prepared so tagal pa naman my set of questions, and you know it na pala. You’re so galing talaga. Idol na kita, promise!

VG: Oo, ako rin. Idol ko sarili ko.

CG: Aha ha ha! You’re so nakakatawa talaga! It’s so hard to make hinga na because of too much tawa. Anyways, before you make sabi your advice, I have another tanong. Will you like make labas a formal apology to Madam Jessica? Will you make sabi “I am sorry” to her?

VG: Muka bang 4’11” height ko? Naliliitan ka sa ‘king bakla ka? Tingin mo haharap ako sa camera para magsabi ng “I am sorry?” Tatakbo muna akong presidente at mandadaya sa bilangan bago gawin ‘yun. Mabilis kaya akong tumakbo.

CG: Oh yeah, you’re a kabayo nga pala, right?

VG: E kung tadyakan kaya kita sa fezlak mo nang ma-sight mo pagiging kabayo ko? Imbey itetchiwa nang bonggang bongga.

CG: What’s ‘imbey’? I’m sorry I’m not so matalino with gay lingo, but I’m trying my best naman to make tuto.

VG: Pansin ko ngang you’re not so matalino. And I’ll try my best to explain to you the meaning of ‘imbey.’ Imbey is… Oh my God! I’m sorry my English teacher died when I was in Grade 3, so my English is very limited. Thank you so much!

CG: Aww, condolence to your guro. That’s so kalungkot naman.

VG: Mas nalungkot aketch sa IQ mo, teh. Condolence din to your brain.

CG: Thank you. You’re so bait pala.

VG: Ay, oo naman. Mabait talaga ako sa mga less fortunate beings gaya mo. I really feel for those na mga kulang-kulang. May tanong ka pa ba, gurl?

CG: Your mensahe na lang to our minamahal na readers.

VG: Ayan na s’ya. Sa wakas, message na tayo. Well, my message is… Oh my God! We have no more time. Sorry, bakla, start na ng Showtime. Next time na lang ang message ko, ha? Text ko sa ‘yo later, pramis. Fly-lalu na ‘ko. Babushka!