How to Eat Sosyal

by Sankage Steno

So I have this friend who’s making yaya me to make kain in this sosyal place. It’s Circles lang naman in Makati Shangri-La. I told her, “Girl, I always eat there kaya ‘coz it’s like so near my bahay. But if I’m feeling sawa already, I go to Spiral. Let’s go to Sofitel na lang.” And she was like, “Libre lang kasi, teh. GC. Ayaw mo pa?”

So I made sama na din.

It’s so funny how many Pinoys make kain with kutsara and tinidor. Sometimes they eat pa nga with their bare kamay. Ewwsy. That is so not sosyal. So it kinda irritates me when I see somebody who’s trying to be pasosyal when eating for the first time in a sosyal place like Shang.

What’s so funny pa, I notice them making tingin-tingin to their katabi. You know why? Because they don’t know what utensil to make gamit first and how! It’s so dami kasi the kutsilyo, the tinidor and the kutsara. There’s one for every type of pagkain. So they’re naloloka much. It’s so funny talaga. Making sulyap to their katabi so they can make kopya how to use the gamit in front of them.

So here’s a crash course on how to eat sosyal. It’s so dali lang talaga. I promise.

Soup

The general rule is, you make umpisa with the farthest utensil. So you make kuha first the one on the farthest left or right. If it’s a sopas, sometimes the kutsara is nakahiwalay already and placed together with the soup bowl. If not, then get the smallest kutsara to the right.

When making higop the sabaw, do not make any tunog, like SUUUUPPPP. I know it’s a soup, but do not belabor the obvious naman with the way you make higop it. Ewwsy kaya. Oh, and when you make salok the soup, it should be pamalas. Meaning, you scoop in the direction away from your place; it’s pa-forward, not palapit to your mouth. So you won’t make tulo to your dress.

Salad

I don’t eat salad much ‘coz it’s not luto. It’s hilaw, and I don’t like it raw. Anyway, for your sake, it’s so dali lang naman. Just get green, leafy gulay. Do not forget the greens! You can make kuha anything but don’t forget the greens, kasi it’s so basic kaya. I don’t have to explain myself pa.

Now, you make kuha the tinidor farthest from your plato. It’s always like that, remember? Same thing with the kutsilyo. Now eat without making too much ingay.

Entree and Main Course

Do not make gamit the same tinidor or kutsara! That’s like kadiri kaya. I mean, seriously, don’t! There’s plenty naman e. Saka when the entree or the main dish comes, your used kutsara and tinidor will have tira-tira from the first dish, so the lasa will make halo with the main food. And that’s not a very good lasa, I might say.

Use the remaining utensils, those that are pinakamalapit to your plato. Normally it’s a kutsilyo and a tinidor. Now don’t make the wrong move of calling the waiter and making hingi a kutsara because you can’t eat with a kutsilyo. I will make saksak you to your ngala-ngala. Basta don’t! That is not sosyal, okay?

Eat slowly, like dahan-dahan talaga. Chew your pagkain very thoroughly, and then make a suave lunok. From time to time, you make punas your nguso with your table napkin. Do not make gamit your kamay or braso to clean your mouth. Ewwsy kaya.

Dessert

The dessert is usually served na maliit, so don’t make angal if you think it’s so konti. Pinoys love anything matamis, but make hunus-dili yourself. This is not Jollibee. This is fine dining. And when you eat your himagas, eat small portions lang, and make sure you make tira a little bit, so people will make isip that you’re on a diet.

It’s always sosyal when people think you’re on a diet. Trust me, I should know.

Drinks

There are many a way of holding the glass, especially the wine glass. But the most common is you make hawak it in the neck, with your hinliliit pointing outward. Don’t ask me why the hinliliit should not touch the baso, just do it. It will make you look sosyal, believe you me.

After Meal

Do not make alis from the table agad-agad. You should make kwento pa. Do a lot of small talk. It will make you sosyal, promise. Then you do the occasional tawa that is a bit malakas but still mahinhin. It will make you look like you’re really enjoying the usapan, even if you’re just being Orocan to your kasama.

And lastly, do not make dighay. It’s so bastos. It’s like you’re making utot through your mouth. So try to make pigil it. But if you can’t, cover your bibig with the napkin, and slowly release the utot through your mouth, suppressing the tunog as much as possible. It there’s a tunog pa din, just say sorry or excuse me.

Sosyal people will understand. We always do, di ba?