Isang bullet ka lang

by Sankage Steno

I was with my daddy at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport when we encountered this super kairita experience. Like, we’re super inis talaga. We almost did not make it here sa Prague.

Anyway, so I was supposed to go na to our designated gate, but the manong guard who checked my Prada bag in the X-ray machine suddenly motioned for me to make tigil. I was shocked! I thought, “Is my Prada fake? I’m gonna make sapak my daddy if I get pahiya because of my fake Prada, I swear!”

But no! Yun pala, the manong guard saw a bullet inside my bag. What the F?! How did the bala get pasok inside my bag? I don’t even have my Swarovsky-encrusted Lara Croft-tribute revolver with me at the time. I’m pretty sure I made tago my gun under my unan before I left our mansion. So how come?

“Ma’am, sorry, pero kailangan po namin kayo i-interrogate,” the manong said as he made hawak my elbow to escort me to another room.

“No! Don’t touch me!” I made sigaw agad. “That bullet is not mine, you son-of-a-gun! I don’t use that kind of bala kaya. Mine is a special edition 24-karat gold bullet specially designed for my Lara Croft-tribute revolver that daddy bought for my 18th birthday! Daddy! Daddy, help! They’re trying to make me own this mumurahing bullet. Like, eww!”

So my daddy made sugod to rescue me. He almost dropped his caramel macchiato from Starbucks because of sobrang pag-alala for me. Buti na lang his reflex was fast. If not, the coffee would have ruined his 100% pure leather shoes that he bought in Italy two weeks ago.

“What are you doing to my daughter?” daddy said with so much love and tenderness, but he was galit na, I can tell.

“Ser, interrogate lang po namin,” the other manong said. “May nakuha po kasi kaming bala ng baril sa bag n’ya.”

“What bala? My daughter did not bring her Lara Croft-tribute revolver that I bought for her 18th birthday. I’m pretty sure of that. I saw her tuck the gun under her pillows. At hindi ganyan ang bala ng baril n’ya. Ang cheap kaya n’yan. Sa mga action movies lang noong 1990s ginagamit ‘yan. Anong tingin mo sa akin, can’t afford?”

“Hindi naman po sa ganu’n, ser.”

“Then this conversation is over!”

“Pero ser…”

“Etong sa ‘yo!” My daddy slapped the two manongs with five P1,000 bills each. The sapak was so hard I even heard it echo across the entire hall. The bills made lipad after hitting the faces of the two manongs, but they were so bilis to make kuha the pera. Like, totally fast talaga, not even a single bill reached the floor.

That’s when daddy caught my arm and pulled me to go to our designated gate. It happened so quick that daddy almost hurt my shoulder. But you know what? I would have been happier if daddy broke my balikat. What happened after that was worse.

I made bitaw my Prada bag!

“Don’t pick it up anymore,” daddy said. “I’ll just buy you a new one when we get to Paris.”

I protested, “But daddy! We’re not gonna make punta to Paris until after Prague! That’s like three days from now pa!”

“Then you’ll have to settle with the LVs there.”

So what can I do pa nga ba? I just followed daddy until I could no longer see the manong guards anymore. Luckily, we made it to our flight. If not, daddy would be forced to use our private jet. Eh it’s under routine maintenance pa naman. It would be dangerous to use it if the maintenance is not yet complete.

Anyway, thinking about what happened to us in that so pangit na airport, I thought, buti we escaped those two manongs. What if it happened to other travelers? What if they victimized the OFWs? I don’t think they can easily make takas from those guards. NAIA peeps pa naman are fond of making abuso our modern heroes. That’s how ganid they are!

Remember the balikbayan box policy a few months back? Buti our president made it stop. Gosh, this country is sooo third world talaga.

Next time that they do that to me, or if I see any one of them making wrong paratang to our beloved OFWs and travelers, I’m gonna make baril them in the ulo with the special edition 24-karat gold bullet straight from my Swarovsky-encrusted, Lara Croft-tribute revolver.