Dear Bank of the P.I.

by Sankage Steno

Fam, it’s like so kalito much ha? At first I was afraid when you made sabi that all of your clients should update their accounts with you on Aug. 31. That’s like bukas na kaya! Buti I stayed calm. Then, you made tama yourself. You said it’s Sept. 30 na and not tomorrow the deadline.

Well, what a ginhawa naman, I thought.

But on second thought, no pala! I have so many accounts kaya with BPI. I have a savings account, current account, several investments like mutual funds and insurance. Should I update them lahat ba? This is sooo UITF!

No, I’m not talking about the type of investment. That’s what I want to say to BPI for all this brouhaha. Utang Ina Talaga, Fam! UITF!

I hate going to the bank pa naman. It scares the hell out of me kasi eh.

You know, I always imagine robbers would just make pasok and make sigaw for us to make dapa and all. Is the bank’s floor malinis ba? Like squeaky clean talaga like our banyo in the mansion? I don’t think so. It’s so kadiri kaya. Imagine making dapa there while robbers make nakaw all my money!

Afraid!

That’s my worst fear talaga. Going to BPI to update my accounts, then being asked by robbers to make dapa on the floor. Imagine all the dumi and germs and bacteria. Imagine ruining my damit! I can’t! All my clothes pa naman are 100 percent cotton. It’s so nice to the touch. And they’re not made in China!

I’m not so much worried naman about all my pera kasi Daddy made sigurado that my investments are diversified. You know that? You don’t make lagay all your itlog in one basket. You put them separately. You leave some in the basket. Some in your LV. Some in your Lanvin. Some in your Balenciaga. Some in your Birkin. And some in your Coco Chanel.

Diversify, fam. It’s much safer, promise.

So if your Birkin gets stolen, you still have more itlog in your other bags. Di ba? My Daddy is sooo smart. Buti he taught me this when I was 7 years old pa lang. Yeah, I have investments na at that age. In fact, I have a trust fund na nga even before I was born. Even my Mommy’s vagina was insured.

Daddy is so financially wise talaga. I love him for that.

OMG! Wait… there’s a new announcement. What’s happening na ba with your Comm Dept? So kainis na ha. Pabago-bago much. Anyways, let me make basa first:

We wish to clarify that these recent announcements apply only to a limited number of individuals, with whom we have already communicated separately.

Since I did not make tanggap any message from BPI, does that follow na I don’t need to update my accounts anymore? I hope this is final na. I’m really worried about making punta to the bank. I don’t know which bag to make dala with me.

UITF! Please lang, BPI. You make ayos yourself, okay?