Ano po ang mangyayari kapag pumalpak ang war on drugs?

by Sankage Steno

Martin Paandar: That’s a good question, Steno.

Sankage Steno: Actually, it’s Sankage Steno. Steno is short for stenography. Putting ‘Sankage’ before ‘Steno’ makes it a noble name for the future leader of this country, one that is far superior to the leader we have at the moment.

MP: Fair enough.

SS: Unlike your boss.

MP: What’s that?

SS: Wala. Just wondering what the consequences of a failed war on drugs are in our country and her citizens.

MP: Very well. Alam mo kasi, Sankage Steno, we’re actually winning this war against drug addicts and drug pushers…

SS: But not against drug lords?

MP: Let me finish.

SS: Sorry, nahawa lang sa boss mong bastos ang bunganga.

MP: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that… Anyway, naglabas na ng report ang PNP kamakilan lang. Sabi nga ni Bato, not the shabu, mind you. Haha, I crack myself up. Anyway, yun nga, bumaba na ang bilang ng krimen sa bansa…

SS: Pero tumaas ang bilang ng murder at homicide.

MP: What did I just say?

SS: Sorry, please continue.

MP: We’re winning this war at wala pang 100 days sa pwesto ang ating pangulo. Naniniwala tayong masusugpo natin ang krimen sa loob ng tatlo hanggang anim na buwan, lalo kung makikipagtulungan ang bawat mamamayang Pilipino.

SS: Pero di ba humingi ng karagdagang anim na buwan ang pangulo?

MP: Really? I’m not aware. Alam ko we’re right on schedule. Why would he ask for an extension? That’s ridiculous. Baka he was misquoted again. I have to verify that first with my boss. Where did you get that information? Who’s your source?

SS: Presstitutes and bias media.

MP: Ugh. No wonder.

SS: No wonder, indeed. But we’re digressing, Mr. Paandar. Tell me, for the sake of argument, should this administration fail to win the war on drugs, what do you think will happen? Or what will the president do?

MP: That’s very simple. Kapag pumalpak ang war on drugs, magre-resign ang pangulo.

SS: Pero papalit si Lugaw Queen. Dilawan po s’ya. Gusto n’yo po bang mangyari iyon?

MP: I didn’t think of that. But, anyway, please disregard my answer. Ang totoo n’yan, mananalo talaga tayo sa war on drugs. No doubt about that. Pero kung ipagpipilitan mong matatalo tayo, ang naiisip ko lang na gagawin ng ating pangulo ay ang gamitin ang Final Solution.

SS: Here we go…

MP: I know what you’re thinking, Sankage, but you’re wrong.

SS: Highly improbable, but go on.

MP: The so-called Final Solution is not similar to Hitler’s genocide. Hindi po ito katulad ng pagpatay sa milyung-milyong mga Hudyo noong World War II. This Final Solution is better, grander! It’s People Power. But, again, this is not the same People Power used by Filipinos three decades ago to oust the ultimate idol of our dear president. It’s different.

Kapag sinabi nating People Power as Final Solution, gagamitin natin ang mga Pilipino para mawala ang demand sa droga. Kapag walang demand, walang supply. Simple as that.

SS: So how are we going to harness this new People Power?

MP: We will burn them. We will use the life force of every living Filipino to create a philosopher’s stone. And this philosopher’s stone will give immortality to our president. Once immortal, magkakaroon na siya ng kapangyarihang labanan ang mga drug lord na nasa China.

Kaya kinakaibigan niya ang China ngayon kasi gusto n’yang malaman kung saan nagtatago ang mga drug lord na nagsu-supply ng bawal na gamot sa Pilipinas. Iyon talaga ang dahilan ng shift sa ating foreign policy.

SS: I’m sorry. Nawala ako sa philosopher’s stone. Isasakripisyo n’yo ang buhay ng mga Pilipino? Tama ba dinig ko? That’s your plan B kapag pumalpak ang war on drugs?

MP: No, there’s no plan B. LP lang ang may plan B. This is the Final Solution. It’s more like an addendum, a coda, a tailpiece. Parang it’s the finale, if you want to think of it that way.

SS: I’m sorry talaga. I’m at a loss here. Philosopher’s stone? Are you kidding me?

MP: No, I’m not. Actually naisip namin ito dahil kay Bato. You know, stone. Haha, I crack myself up again. So, yun nga, we will fight bato with bato. In other words, lalabanan natin ang droga sa pamamagitan ng philosopher’s stone.

SS: I think nababaliw ka na, pati ang boss mo. Tumitira ba kayo ng shabu? Kung anu-ano na lumalabas sa bibig n’yo.

MP: No. Negative kami sa drug test. Takot lang ng nag-test sa ‘min na i-positive kami.

SS: Mr. Paandar, we’re talking nonsense here. Naglolokohan na lang tayo.

MP: Ano ka ba, Sankage? Noong isang taon pa tayo naglolokohan. Di ba ilang beses sinabi ng pangulo na di s’ya tatakbo? Pero ngayon pangulo na s’ya! What does that say to the 16 million Filipinos who voted for him? This is the post-truth era, Sankage. It’s a new world. Embrace it.

SS: I don’t know what to say. Para akong nakikipag-usap sa buwang. Kapag pinagpatuloy ko pa ‘to, mabubuwang na rin ako. Siguro nga lango kayo sa droga. There’s no other logical explanation.

MP: You don’t say!

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