Mochan Tote

by Sankage Steno

I took the liberty to gather some reactions from illustrious personalities from across the globe with respect to the recent appointment of Mocha Uson as assistant secretary of the Presidential Communications Operations Office. I am not making my own commentary on this, but posting this only for your own analysis and conclusions. Let the debates begin.

Lin-Manuel Miranda:

She can lead with pride. She can make us strong. We’ll be satisfied if we play along. But the voice inside sings a different song. What is wrong with her?

Donald Trump:

I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy. Ms. Uson is no exception. She is every woman. It’s all in her. Everything you want done, baby, she’ll do it naturally.

Pope Francis:

The only fanaticism believers can have is that of Duterte’s. Any other fanaticism does not come from Poong Nazeraan and is not pleasing to him. And Mocha Uson is the greatest fanatic of them all. She should be given the benefit of the crucifix.

Aung San Suu Kyi:

I don’t want to see Mocha falling. I want to see her rising to dignified heights of professionalism and true patriotism.

Ru Paul:

If they don’t pay your bills, pay those bitches no mind. Unfortunately for Ms. Uson, them Filipino peeps pay her salary. You see, my goal is to always come from a place of love… but sometimes, you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.

Queen Elizabeth II:

The upward course of a nation’s history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its average men and women. Mocha Uson has a very huge heart. It’s so bloody big her breasts want to bloody burst!

Gael Garcia Bernal:

I was brought up the Mexican way, where actors are paid very little and every part you take is an act of faith. Ms. Uson, well, she is paid very well and her part in the government is also an act of faith. If people respect that, then great.

Mark Zuckerberg:

By giving people the power to share, we’re making the world more transparent. Ergo, by giving Ms. Uson the power to communicate on behalf of the Philippine government, Duterte is simply making his office more transparent… if you get what I mean.

14th Dalai Lama:

This is my simple message. There is no need for assistant secretaries; no need for complicated communications. Our own brain, our own heart is our own secretary.

Kim Jong-Un:

Want to know what’s more destructive than a nuclear bomb? Mocha’s boobs… I mean words.

Meryl Streep:

The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy. Having said that, I believe Filipinos should empathize with Mocha as the new assistant secretary. She has to carry a lot of burden… or what I like to call Mochan tote.

Usain Bolt:

Worrying gets you nowhere. If you turn up worrying about how Mocha is going to perform, you’ve already lost. Listen hard, turn up, run after her and the rest will take care of itself.

Beyonce:

You must not know ’bout her… You must not know ’bout her. She can have another you in a minute. Matter of fact, she’ll be here in a minute.

Xi Jinping:

Friends from the press, Mocha needs to learn more about the world, and the world also needs to learn more about her. I hope you will continue to make more efforts and contributions to deepening the mutual understanding between Mocha and the rest of the world.

Leni Robredo:

I would have to admit that I have not read her blog and I don’t intend to read it. I don’t know her. She does not exist to me.

Mocha

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