Lodi Me

by Sankage Steno

I had so many realizations when I turned 30 last year, but the biggest of them all wouldn’t come to me until early this year, just a couple of months short of my 31st birthday.

While I was busy being bored in the office and scrolling down on Facebook, I saw a post that made me stop scrolling. It said something about being the kind of person you wanted to be when you were growing up. And that’s when I realized that I am exactly the kind of person that I was looking for one to two decades ago.

Growing up a closeted gay and fat and a nerd in a predominantly Catholic community wasn’t exactly my idea of a perfect childhood. I was confused and angry, and I think I was just pretending to be confident and trying so hard to be smart. I wasn’t ashamed of myself, though, but I wasn’t proud either.

But I wouldn’t bore you with my life story. I’m only here to tell you that I’ve somehow managed to become the person I thought I needed growing up.

I was looking for a role model, an idol, an authoritative person that could guide me in my adolescence and in adulting. And since perhaps I couldn’t find him/her anywhere, my inner self subconsciously transformed me into that person. I guess.

So now I’m the smart, handsome, not fat, confident and relatively chill person, who’s still very much gay, but out and proud. I’m self-motivated, not depressed, adventurous, healthy, not poor and deservedly mayabang. I can eat anywhere I want to. I can watch movies whenever I want to. I’m dating. I’m not longing for someone. I’m writing good stories. And most important of all, I’m myself.

Of course this did not happen overnight. It took me years to finally become the kind of person I was unknowingly yearning to become. And I’m glad I did.

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