Anne Hathaway interviews Ricky Lo

by Sankage Steno

Anne Hathaway: How are you?

Ricky Lo: I gained 5 pounds last Christmas. Thank you for asking.

AH: That might give you an Oscar. Good job!

RL: I know, right? It wasn’t hard naman. Getting fat is just so easy, you know.

AH: Really?

RL: Yes, really. You should try it.

AH: No, that question’s rhetorical. You’re not supposed to answer it.

RL: What’s rhetorical?

AH: Never mind. OK, moving on. I heard you are a friend of Lea Salonga. Is that true? I adore Lea! Such a big voice.

RL: Well, we’re not really close, but, yeah, she is a friend. She is also my Facebook friend. Can you accept my friend request, please? I’ve been waiting years on end for my invitations to Hollywood actors to be accepted, but so far only one has accepted… Nora Aunor.

AH: Who’s Nora?

RL: Oh, she’s our superstar. You don’t know her? She’s a very famous actress. How come you don’t know her? She lived in the States, you know.

AH: No, no. I don’t think I’m even familiar with the name. What’s her movie called?

RL: Well, there are thousands she made, but her most famous one is Himala. You know that? Her famous line is this: “Walang himala! Ang himala ay nasa puso ng tao, nasa puso nating lahat! Tayo ang gumagawa ng mga himala! Tayo ang gumagawa ng mga sumpa at ng mga diyos…”

AH: I’m sorry, I didn’t really get that. Maybe we should just…

RL: No, wait. I’ll translate it for you…

AH: No, um, don’t… Um…

RL: There’s no miracle! The miracle is in the heart of a person. In the hearts of all of us! We are the ones creating the miracles! We are the ones making improvised firearms and the gods!

AH: Oh my gosh. That’s really ridiculous.

RL: Well, I’m not really an actor you know. But if you think of me as a writer who sucks at acting, rather than a sucker who writes, I’d probably be more impressive.

AH: Oh gosh, please stop talking for a minute.

RL: Why oh why? Are you not feeling well?

AH: Hush! Please.

RL: OK. If that’s what you like, I’ll stop talking. I’ll do it now, you know. I can stop talking. I’m really more of a writer, so I can just be silent for a minute and think and think and think. Then, I’ll write what I was thinking because I’m more of a writer anyway. Talking is not really my cup of tea. My cup of tea is made by Noritake, and my favorite tea is oolong. I’m not a Jasmine or green tea type of person. Actually, I prefer drinking coffee. Most writers are coffee drinkers as well. You know, I can write really well. Have you read any of my articles in the past? The not so distant past, I mean. I was not so magaling pa when I was just starting. Well, all of us naman are not that good in the beginning. And you know abo…

AH: STOP!

RL: Sorry, I got carried.

AH: Shut up, please.

Moment of awkward silence

AH: Thank God.

RL: Yes, thank God. Eymen.

AH: Can we just talk about Lea? I think that’s a pretty safe topic to talk about.

RL: Sure. But I talked about her already. Are you sure?

AH: Yes! I’m sure. Let’s talk about Lea! Lea na lang, please!

Anne fell off her seat.

RL: Oh please be careful with my heart. Ha ha! I like that teleserye.

AH: Ouch! That hurts… What were you saying?

RL: Maya and Sir Chief. You don’t know that?

AH: YES! Yes! I know them. Oh, God, they’re just so amazing. I love them! I’m obsessed with them! Amazing! Great! Splendid! Did I just say they’re amazing?

RL: Why do I feel that you’re plasticking me already?

AH: What’s plasticking?

RL: You know, in showbiz. You make close and friend someone and then stab him in the back. It’s like Orocan… plastic!

AH: You’re confusing me again. Let’s just talk about Lea, please?

RL: Oh, I’m sorry. I have to run another errand. Can I have the last question please?

AH: Oh, thank God for the errand!

RL: What is that?

AH: Nothing. Can you just invite them to read your column?

RL: Why don’t you invite them? I think they’d much rather hear it from you.

AH: …